THE DAY IS FINALLY HERE!

It has been 24 hours since my breast cancer surgery but first I want to talk about my feelings leading up to the day.

In the days before the scheduled procedure, I was still at my daughter’s trying to make sure that everything in her house was up to date – laundry caught up, groceries in, house tidy and I wanted to leave it so that she is able to cope as she recovers. At the same time, I was trying to get home in time to make sure that my house was in order, laundry caught up, groceries in, house tidy so that I could live with it as I recovered and not look at it and cringe at all that had to be done.

As well, I spent so much time in my own head, trying to figure out what I was feeling. It was the weirdest thing – I didn’t know what I was feeling. It was much like when I was running (I know I didn’t have a long running career, but for a few years, I felt like a runner and entered a few races as well). The feeling was much like I felt just before a race, nervous, excited, wondering how the hell I got there to do this and just hoping for the finish line and hopefully, the celebration at the end.

The doctors have told me that the prognosis is good, that the tumor has shrunk, the cancer in my lymph node has disappeared completely, but my brain keeps going to all the things they might find when they get inside.

In all my studies about the power of the mind and the power you have over your own mind, I know that positive thinking is incredibly important. I also know that you must believe it as you think it and that hoping allows doubt to creep in. So, I know what I am about to say might not make a lot of sense to some but here’s where my head was. I believe the doctors and the tests and the scans and the x-rays, and I can’t imagine anything but success because that’s my style, BUT every so often, I have to kick out the negative thoughts that want to creep in. I have used this knowledge and practice for many years, but this has been a real test.

My husband tells me that I have been pretty antsy for a couple of days as the day approached and I think it’s because you want it to happen and then you don’t and then you do………. and so on. Surgery day arrived and we needed to be at the hospital at 7:30 am for a procedure before the surgery. I had to have nuclear dye injected into my breast so the doctor could see the lymph nodes clearly. Holy crap, this hurt! Now, I maintain that everything hurts more early in the morning before your body has become used to being up for the day. I asked the technician if people use a lot of bad words and call her names and she assured me that they did all the time.

We then waited several hours for the actual surgery. Ever since this journey started, the waiting has been the hardest thing. Actually, some of the time was taken up by inserting my IV; it is always a long procedure for me. So when it was time, I carried my IV bag, wore my hospital non-slip socks and my paper gown and walked with the nurse to the operating room. I am old enough that I still think that you should be wheeled into the operating room but that’s not the case anymore. Walking has become quite difficult for me since I have been on the cancer drug and I told the nurse that at least I was grateful that I would be asleep and wheeled back.

We arrived in the operating room and again it just struck me as strange and funny that you just climb up onto the operating table. My grandchildren had a good laugh out of the fact that they lowered it as low as it would go and I still needed a stool to climb up there. I shrink more every day, I swear. The surgeon then told me she needed to inject more dye into the breast and I was, “oh no, that hurt like hell” and she assured me that she would wait until I was asleep and I was, “go ahead”. For me anaesthetic is just the weirdest thing, you’re fully awake and talking and then, you’re waking up with, what happened? Yesterday was a very strange experience as when I awoke I was still in the operating room, not yet in recovery and it was like it was not real. I spent a few minutes watching people go about their business, finishing up, cleaning up and I was thinking, am I dreaming or is this real? It was just eerie and strange. I finally decided it was real and it had really happened as they wheeled me to recovery.

The surgeon came to see me to tell me that everything had gone very well and I was much too dopey to ask any questions. Now I feel like I know nothing. I see her in three weeks when the biopsies come in for the lymph nodes.

I know I’m still just part way through this journey but so much of it is spent with, “what now” and “what next” because the one thing I do know is that my life is forever changed. I don’t know for sure how but it is.

The pain is tolerable but I won’t be able to do much for a few days and putting a bra on just can’t happen so I’m not going far. But then, well, we’ll see what comes next because I know it’s time for a new plan!!!