You know, a while back, I talked about finding out what my “new normal” is. It’s interesting when we talk about what is normal. Years ago when I worked at the shelter, women would talk about wanting a life that is normal. It caused many a discussion about what that means. A standing joke was that the only definition we were really sure about was that normal was a cycle on the washing machine.
Normal isn’t the same for everyone. When I did a little research into what is normal, what is a normal life, what is a normal person, the psychologists, counsellors and scholars talked a lot about normal being what we want in life. Having goals to have a job, family, success is considered normal. Having realistic expectations for your life is normal. Being normal includes fitting in in society and being like others. There were many references to looking for positive, forward-looking and self-esteem. It was interesting to note that all seemed to agree that being negative, only seeing the downside to things and to life and not expecting to reach success did not qualify as normal. Some said that being normal is being average.
When I finished my cancer treatment, I thought a lot about what my life was going to look like from that moment forward; so what would be my normal? I thought about going back to my regular activities and doing the things I have always done, living as I had been living before cancer.People often say to me now that it must be wonderful to have finished treatment and I must be really happy about it. Despite the things I am about to say, that it definitely true. I am more than grateful that my surgery, chemotherapy and radiation were successful and that tests did not show any cancer at that time. I am extremely grateful for the incredible treatment and care I received. But life is not the normal I was looking for. I don’t know if I was unrealistic or if I am an unusual case or if I just want too much but I do know that life is difficult at the moment.
Here is an update as to how I am feeling these days:
I have neuropathy in my feet and hands from the chemotherapy. They did tell me during treatment that this was a side effect and things may return to what they were before, but perhaps not. This may not go away. This means that my feet have numbness and pins and needles often. I have to be careful when walking as sometimes I think I have taken a step but in reality my foot didn’t move and I thought it did. My hands and fingers have pins and needles often and the ends of my fingers are incredibly itchy. I find myself flicking the ends of my fingers all the time to help with the itch.
My arthritis is so much worse than it ever was. Now, I am well aware that this could just as easily have progressed in the same way whether or not I had cancer and treatment but all I know is that it is much, much worse than before. I can’t sleep in the way I always have as the pain and the pins and needles wake me. The athritis in my thumb is so severe I wear a brace and am hoping for a surgery for some relief.
My hair (yep, I’m still moaning about my hair) is growing – SLOWLY, oh so slowly. It is mostly white. It has grown in strangely I think. It has grown with what looks like a man’s receding hairline so I think from the front it looks like I don’t have hair. The latest thing in the last couple of weeks is that it is developing curls in some spots but not over the whole head. It also has a large circular swirl in the back. Not at the top of my head in the middle as you would expect but over to one side so you don’t know how to brush it or where it’s supposed to be. There’s no telling what it’s ultimately going to look like but I do know I’m still shocked every time I look in the mirror. I know that’s not normal!
My pelvic floor dysfunction causes pain on a regular basis. I’m not sure where all this is going to end up or if treatment is going to be helpful, but all I know is, one thing at a time, okay?
Last week, I have found pain in my breast and underarm that is disturbingly like the pain I had when my cancer was discovered. The oncologist has scheduled an ultrasound and mammogram so we are back to waiting and worrying.
The cancer worry. I am certainly working on going along ‘normally’ without constant worry about it but it is there nonetheless.
The post-cancer medication I am on brings on hot flashes like I have never known. In an instant the sweat runs through my hair and down my face. It’s just great in public and makeup is out of the question. I will be on it for five years but this side effect is easier than the ones from the other two I have tried so we will stick with it.
I had a conversation with my son about life after cancer and he agreed precisely with my feelings. We are grateful, we are aware that we are lucky we are here and so many were not that kind of lucky. We cannot pretend however that life is what it was before cancer or that it will ever be. Maybe living with all the new pain is our new normal and taking pain medication to get through the days is what we will have to do. There are those that tell you that this is just what it is, to suck it up and live with it and indeed that is what we will do. That does not mean we can live with pretending that it is not there. I have always been proud of the fact that I have a high pain tolerance (even though I didn’t do anything to make that happen, I just do), there are days when it is most difficult to get through without tears and some complaining.
I have not written this for sympathy, just for explanation and maybe a chance to just let it all out. Thank you all for the incredible support, kindness and love you have shown. It is just those kinds of care that will help get me through the tough times.
