Well, here is what I accomplished in total over the last seven days:
- Got dressed most days, showered some of them
- Helped Vic make his lunches for work
- Ate sporadically
- Cried, worked myself into hysterics most of the time
- Slept little
- Felt incredibly sorry for myself (justified or otherwise)
Here is what I accomplished today:
- Showered and dressed
- Made breakfast, made a proper dinner for both of us
- Made the bed
- Cleaned the bottom of the stove and pots and pan drawer
- Vacuumed kitchen and hallway
- Listened to a healing hypnosis meditation
- Had a couple of conversations about something other than “I have cancer”
So now I need to spend some time working on moving forward. I was talking with a good friend this week and she summed it up perfectly. According to her, I am “information-driven” and don’t know how to deal with not knowing. Her prediction is that as soon as I have tests, results, and information, I will then have a plan. She is so spot on! She said to me, “when you have some news, whatever it is, you will then come up with a plan”. She knows me too well.
The one thing I have figured out and I know might be perfectly obvious to everyone else but maybe we need to come to things on our own when we’re ready. What I’ve figured out is that whether or not I sit like a lump in my pajamas and cry non-stop or find things to do (productive things, hopefully), I will still be in the same place the next day and the next. I am going to work so hard at reminding myself of this each and every day.
Oh yeah, I knitted a little today as well.
It was particularly helpful to spend some time listening to the hypnosis meditation. It was good for me in so many ways. I felt like I was back to doing something normal or at least normal for me. It also was so calming and felt like it was helping take charge of my feelings and indeed, my body because this is one of the most difficult parts of this journey – the feeling that my body is betraying me. I spend time looking at it, wondering what’s going on inside.
