Yesterday I rang the bell at the cancer centre. Ringing the bell is what you do when you finish chemotherapy treatments. It is always an exciting moment for everyone in the chemo suite. I have heard the bell ring many times and applauded with all those in the building but it is certainly different when it is you. The bell is on the wall as you enter the chemo site and can be heard throughout the whole floor. When someone rings the bell, it is celebrated by everyone in attendance. Everyone applauds and cheers – patients waiting in the waiting room, patients in the treatment rooms, nurses, visitors and all those in the hall outside the chemo suite. It is especially heartwarming coming from all of these people because they “get it”. They understand the meaning and the importance of the event.
I found it a great experience. First, I had a number of people who came to celebrate with me. My husband was there, my daughter and my two grandchildren and a friend who accompanied me to chemo that day. I must explain how she came to be there. When I first posted my cancer diagnosis online, she immediately reached out to me. We were colleagues and friends more than twenty years ago and have not seen each other since then. Since then, she has sent caring, kind messages at least once or twice a week, called to chat once a week (always checking to make sure that I am well enough to chat) and let me know how much she cares. Her and her husband came to drive me to chemo on this day and she kept me company. Well actually, she was there but I slept through a good part of it. I was determined that wouldn’t happen but drugs do their job! I think about the fact that they drove an hour to come get me, she sat through four and a half hours of mostly watching me sleep and her husband found things to do to pass the time while he waited. I am hoping they know how much it meant to me that they did this. So if there is someone that you were considering reaching out to, do so. Either they will be thriled as I am or they will be touched by the gesture but it matters for sue.
So I rang the bell with my grandson standing beside me ringing it as well. There was loud applaluse from all in the building who could hear it and most certanly it makes you feel not so alone in this journey. We took lots of photos to share with family and frineds.
I find that I have conflicting emotions about this day. For sure ringing the bell does not mean that you are finished cancer treatment; I am meeting this week with the radiation oncologist to set up my radiation treatments going forward. This will take place over the next couple of months. I will go back on a pill that continues to fight cancer and I well remember that the side effects of the pill were not pleasant. It’s not over, that’s for sure.
Having said all that, I do know that it is important to celebrate all the milestones. It was important when they told me that the chemo and radiation are preventative, not to fight cancer that they can see, but o avoid any that might be there that we cannot seee. It is important on this day of ringing the bell as it is a real event that says, ‘this part is over’. I must say that knowing I am finished chemo is an enomous event. This has been an awful experience. Chemo”sucks” is one of my ongoing expressions.
I must explain the conversation I had last week with my son who lives out west. We were talking about the fact that yesterday was my last chemo treatment. I told him that in my fantasy about the day I finsihed, I should wake up and all my hair should be back (well, not the stuff on my legs, underarms or chin). Because I will be wearing my chemo scarves and hats over the summer, it does not feel like I am done. If I am finished, I should not be looking forward to the next few days of post chemo side effects because they’re so painful and hard to get through. I should be looking forward to my next meal without knowing that it will not taste ‘right’ and I probably won’t finish more than four or five bes. I should be able to type this without my fingers having pins and needles, I will be waiting to see if the numbness and tingling in my hands and feet disappear or if I wil be left with a permanent reminder.
Okay, now I feel like a whiny brat. It is easy to fall into the position of feeling like a victim and it is important to remember that this is all temporary. Everything is temporary and there is always a next step. I am most grateful that chemo is done and I am not looking forward particularly to radiation but I am looking forward to the fact that I am moving forward in this journey.
