This morning, Vic picked up my cell phone and took it to work with him. I have to say that it was a mistake of course, but it was an important one to me. I know it does not have the same significance to him but to understand that I have to explain the difference between he and I when it comes to our cell phones.
I have now known Vic for sixteen years and this Christmas, he received the first cell phone that I have seen him own. He had no interest in having one and a couple of times I bought him one and it got left on the kitchen table almost every time he went out. He told me that in his work life, he was completely tied to his cell phone. There were very few times when he got rest from calls, all wanting something of him or wanting him to do something for them. Apparently he was so glad to not have to have one when he retired (the first time), he just didn’t get another one. Now, most people I know would go crazy without their phone and be in a panic until they got it back but he said he never missed it. You see, Vic spends no time wondering what the rest of the world thinks of him. He lives well, is kind to everyone and if you’re not impressed or don’t like him, that’ s okay with him. It is one the many things that I so admire about him – he is comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with who he is . I find that such a refreshing, healthy way to be. Well, at Christmas, family members (and Vic himself) by the way) decided that with my health he should be carrying a cell phone and they bought him one. He does carry it but be assured, it is not overused. He has text and talk and has no desire for data, it’s most remarkable!
My work life was very much like his; my cell phone was busy with clients and constant emergencies. Unlike Vic, however, I still like my cell phone. I wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without it and it is important to me.
The last few months as I went through treatment, my relationship with my cell phone changed somewhat. I spend so much time on the couch that it is something to do. On my phone, I play games, I talk and text to friends and family, I play games, I read and sometimes comment on Facebook, I play games, I read articles and in general have lots of different activities to do on my phone. You see, the aches and pains that go with chemo are difficult to cope with but they are not there every single day. What is there is the incredible fatigue and tiredness. I don’t feel anymore that these are the same things. I feel like tiredness is sleepiness and wanting to go to sleep and rest. The fatigue is the feeling that I just can’t hold myself up, get up or do anything. I’m constantly surprised, disgusted and frustrated that I can’t seem to do anything. The doctors tell me that this is the cumulative effects of chemo. The pains, nausea, and general aches get better a week or so after chemo each time but the fatigue continues to grow as you progress through the treatments. I am now ONE treatment away from being finished with chemo and the fatigue is overwhelming. I am a busy, have lots to do kind of person. Even through retirement I have always been busy with housework, hobbies, family and friends and just generally with a daily to do list. For the first time in my life, I have said, “I can’t”. I never used to even believe in I can’t, but ‘I can’t’. My phone keeps me busy as I sit on the couch for long periods of time. I break it up with books of course but there is so much to do on the phone. It also brings with it a feeling of connection. At other times in my life when I have been unwell or tired, I could still spend time knitting, sewing and doing all kinds of “sitting hobbies”. My picc line has taken care of that. I can’t knit. I can’t sew, and anything I do that uses my energy in my right arm causes pain and redness in my picc line. I tried fooling it by just doing a little at a time, but it didn’t work. I have to take it easy. These have been hard lessons for me.
So today I sat without my phone. We still have a landline phone but since it is used so seldom it is old and doesn’t hold a charge for any length of time at all. This means that I have had a couple of short conversations with my daughter as she checked in on me, but any longer than that and there is no working phone. I’ve read, slept, watched television and thought lots about all the things I would like to be doing. It also means that my mind has wandered to all the upcoming months and in particular the end of chemo. I’m told that there will be a scan to determine that I don’t need any more chemo and I thought, “oh god, we’re back to the waiting and wondering again”. It doesn’t take much to have me go there – particularly with no distractions – like, my phone!
Vic was very apologetic and I know he means it but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really get it as it just doesn’t mean as much to him. The good news is after he gets home, it will all be forgotten instantly. And tomorrow is another day.
