I want to begin by explaining that I am not trying to say that anyone is doing anything wrong or that anyone is treating me badly or saying the wrong things, using the wrong words or that people are misspeaking.
What I am trying to do is explain what is happening in my head.
I have spent a good part of my life in jobs and roles that involved saying the things that would either sell something (I did a lot of fundraising), explain something (I was a teacher for many years), tell a story (I did a lot of public speaking), smooth ruffled feathers (ran a shelter, took a lot of refereeing), help someone (counselling, coaching), thanking and apologizing to donors, and doing some quick reacting (putting out fires, public relations). I say this because I believe that more times than not, I like to think I said the thing that will be helpful, that might make someone feel better, that might clarify and in general, do some good. All this aside, I did once have a colleague tell me that I insulted her over and over. I can’t tell you how much sleep I lost over that one remark even though I’m pretty sure you can find hurt in anything if you try.
Having said all that, I’m going to try to tell you how my head is working and how I am hearing things with some examples over the last six weeks.
First time was when I was waiting for test results early on. In my head, I thought, well they probably call you into the office if it’s bad news? Oh, wait a minute, if they make an appointment to tell you, then you know it’s bad news so you stew about it until the appointment. Truth is, they can’t win, there is no right way. They told me on the phone and I am just thankful that my husband was home and know how lucky I am that he is here.
Second time is when I told some people about my diagnosis. People try so hard to say the right thing and say the thing that will help but in my head, you can’t win at this stage. When they are most sympathetic, I cry like crazy. When they tell me they are going to pray for me, I think I am going to die. When they are not either but just accepting of my news, it seems like they don’t care. So know, you didn’t do anything wrong, I just have to learn how to handle this.
Third time, I was at a doctor’s office and tested for something quite unrelated to the cancer. When I asked for the results, she says, “well there’s something going on down there”. You can’t say that to someone who doesn’t know what’s happening! I’m counting on you to know!
Then there are the people who want to tell you about everyone else they know who has, had cancer. The ones that are survivors, the ones who had cancer and it spread so fast and they died, the ones who are going through treatment. This one I can tell you is not helpful. Be assured as soon as you receive a cancer diagnosis you already spend enough time with people with cancer, you don’t need any more stories.
I can tell you the ones that have been the most helpful:
- The ones that send messages regularly letting me know I’m in their thoughts and that they love me
- The ones that have done something to help – I can’t believe the food and meals and offers of rides I’ve had, it’s wonderful
- The ones who just stay in touch
One of the things I used to tell my children was that some of the most hurtful words in the English language were “I told you so”. Remember too, that there are many ways to say that – “see, that wasn’t so hard was it” “you could have done that the first time” “I knew that”. I told them that if you want to replace those words, use “how can I help” or “what do you need”. They both work and they both make the person feel cared for and respected and loved.
