It’s interesting the things you think about when you’re just sitting around doing nothing. I say that because I don’t think I ever before in my life just spent time sitting around doing nothing. I had a conversation with my (ex) sister-in-law the other day about this whole doing nothing thing. I’m a doer and I’m also a take charge, well maybe, “take over” kind of person. I have always had many things happening at one time and had to juggle to get them all done. I never questioned whether or not I could do any of it, I just assumed I could. I said to her, through a lot of tears, “I don’t ever remember ever in my whole life saying, ‘I can’t’”.
My landlord said this so well when he told me, “your mind is giving orders that your body can’t carry out”. My body is saying, I can’t and it’s pissing me off, frustrating me, making me frightened and making me miserable. I’m pretty sure that it’s making everyone around me miserable as well. Well, that part also refers to the incredible, wild mood swings that I will talk about at another time with a medical update.
So, how does this all fit into Karma, Blame and Being a Victim?
Karma as a word and a concept is thrown around a lot. I see it on Facebook, I hear people use it often and I’m not sure anymore what it really means. So, I looked it up and I found more than one definition that led me to my questions.
Karma:
- 1.the definition of karma is the destiny that you earn through your actions and behaviour. When you behave kindly, this is an example of a situation where you earn good karma that will result in good things happening in the future.
- the more modern definition is that it is known as the law of cause and effect, the great law is what comes to mind for many people when they consider what karma means. It states that whatever thoughts or energy we put out, we get back—good or bad. “
Whichever of these definitions we believe in, it infers for most of us that if we do the right thing, good and right things will happen.
This is pretty much how I was raised and I think that most people in my generation were raised this way too. We believed if we did all the right things, obeyed all the rules, worked hard, there would be a reward. It was almost as if we spent our life keeping a scorecard, adding up all the good things, all the hard work and waited for the reward. I so did this, I was the original good girl, I never broke the rules, I studied hard, I worked hard, I didn’t lie. I’m not sure that I thought it was to bring good things, but maybe I did.
I don’t believe that that’s what was intended but it’s what happens if you take it all literally. Karma is a belief in Hinduism and Buddhism that what you do in this life applies to the next life. In the future, doesn’t mean that there is some giant reward around the corner any day now.
If you live your life this way, when a bad thing happens, you assume you deserved it or you resent that fact that you know you didn’t deserve it because ‘ you did all the right things’. This is what leads to feelings of being a victim. It then feels like you’re being picked on – by the universe, by God, by others but definitely by someone. This is such a deep, dark hole to go down and I think that I’ve spent a couple of weeks standing on the brink of this giant crater.
I can’t think about the word karma without considering the Law of Attraction. If you are not familiar with it, The law of attraction is a philosophy suggesting that positive thoughts bring positive results into a person’s life, while negative thoughts bring negative outcomes. It is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy and that positive energy attracts success in all areas of life, including health, finances, and relationships. It as widely promoted through the book, The Secret.
Now through the counselling, teaching and groupwork I’ve done, I’ve spoken widely and even studied and taught the law of attraction. It’s not enough to think good things, it’s important to believe them. So now, I’m one of the many clients I’ve worked with that said, “easy for you to say, not so easy when there’s a lot of shit in your life”.
I started to examine what’s making me so miserable. Don’t get me wrong, having cancer is a big one but I’m beginning to think that it has brought with it other things to be angry about. I’m pretty sure that it just made me sit around and find ways to feel worse
So, this is what I’ve come up with. Taking a forced retirement (remember, this is my perspective) changed everything about my life. It brought about a giant loss of income, purpose, and being around people – in person, on the telephone, electronically. It also brought with it a heart attack, cancer and many other ailments that change day-to-day life. Also, with it went my self-confidence.
It’s time to remember that it also brought so much time to spend with my grandchildren and family. I have so much family, including my two sons and their family , that are far away but there are so many ways to stay in touch and I now have the time to do that. I have at least five projects on the go that I have allowed myself to ignore that I started because they were fun and I loved doing it. It’s still fun; I just haven’t allowed myself to have any. I also have to remember that I have friends and family that I need to reach out to and not wait to see if anyone’s going to call.
So here’s the thing. I can’t change the cancer diagnosis, but I can change my life and my attitude. Now, for those close to me (primarily my husband), I can’t yet get rid of the wild mood swings, but I can learn to recognize them and get through to the good stuff.
Tomorrow is a new day ……………. Baby steps …………………….
