Last weekend my side of the family were all here for a visit. It has been more than a couple of years since they were all together so it was a special time. I’m not sure if they all came home because it was my seventy-fifth birthday (a big event in and of itself) or because of my cancer or both of those events. Either way, I’m glad they were here. This included my son from Sault Ste. Marie, my daughter-in-law, their children and their respective partners, my son from Calgary whose wife was not able to attend and was sorely missed, and my daughter and her two children who live here in town. It was a full house, noisy, lots of mess and food and pretty crowded. I was so happy to see them all and especially happy to see them all together. I must admit that I was tired afterwards as it has been pretty quiet around here for the last year or so.
We are a close family even though we live far apart. One of the things I think about a lot and I think probably most people my age do as well, is will my children still stay in touch and remain close after I am gone? I think about my brother and I who for all of our adult lives lived across the country from each other. We called and kept in touch but it was not the same as when Mom was here. There is no question that she was the glue that kept us together. He is gone now and I miss him and wish that I had had more time and would have talked and visited more often. My children currently keep in touch with each other pretty regularly and for sure call each other when there are significant moments in their lives; new jobs, new illnesses, accomplishments, kids’ news, etc. but visiting is difficult with distances as they are. I sincerely hope that they continue to stay close throughout their lives as there is something important about shared history and shared experiences.
I know that the word family has a far different connotation than it did in my day growing up. Indeed, our family looks different than most families did when I was growing up. When we consider all our children, grandchildren and partners, we have a blended family. We are lucky that those who live close by get along well and have become very close and consider themselves family for each other. They have already made promises to each other that when we are both gone they will continue to celebrate holidays(including making that enormous turkey dinner) and stay close. I also know that for many, family includes those who are not family by blood but by shared experiences, shared history and by love.
I think that over the past few years, people have started spending more time with family and made a concerted effort to stay close, stay in touch. I have wondered if this was due to the time we spent with covid and couldn’t see each other. There was more than a year, more than two or three for some, that people were afraid to get together and we missed those that we were close to. Perhaps that is why we it appears to me that people post more family events, more family photos and stories on social media than they did in the past. I don’t think I’ve imagined it, I think it’s real. Maybe we have a new appreciation for the opportunity to be all together. That can’t be a bad thing.
During the time my family was here, we spent a lot of time looking at photos and telling stories about their growing up years. There were many stories about Nana and Grandpa, cousins, holidays, the family cottage, and all the things the kids did that Mom and Dad didn’t know about – some stories I’m pretty sure I could have done without hearing. My grandchildren told stories about the time they spent with Nana in her last years; the time we all went mini-golfing and she laughed so hard she almost fell over, all the games of crokinole that they played because she enjoyed it so much. I will be forever grateful to my two grandsons for all that time they spent with Mom, it made her so very happy! Everyone has crokinole stories as my Dad insisted that everyone learned to play – he loved it and wanted everyone else to as well. I don’t know how well everyone learned but there were certainly a lot of laughs along the way. Dad would be so happy to see that this next generation loves it as well.
These stories are important. When I was in grade eleven, I hated history. I remember saying in class, “I don’t know why we have to learn all this”. Well, I probably didn’t say it because I never would have said that to a teacher but someone did and I had been thinking it as well. Our teacher said, “You don’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been”. I’ve come to believe that there is a lot of truth to that. All of our experiences and those of our family members instill memories and history that shape our thinking, good and bad.
When my Mom was turning eighty, I wrote a book for her birthday present. It was her story as I knew it and stories that I remembered and had been told. It wasn’t a large book, just over eighty pages with some photos of our family over the years. She was thrilled (and she was a star in the retirement home for quite a while afterwards). I had enough copies made for everyone in the family so that we might remember the stories as well. I think it’s important for everyone to know something of their history. To this day, I sometimes have questions that I wish I had asked and things I wonder about.
There is nothing like cancer to make you think about your own mortality. I’m sure that’s why I have been thinking about my kids staying in touch. Thinking about old stories and memories.
So ask those questions, tell those stories, write them down, share all the memories so they will live on!
