I think when I was told that I would be taking these pills instead of chemo that, without thinking about it consciously, my mind said, “Well, I won’t be having all the side effects that I have been thinking about for some time.” I also didn’t even think about the fact that i was taking a drug that is designed to fight cancer, so why didn’t it occur to me that there would be side effects?
Today,
- My joints all hurt so much that standing to do the dishes, set the table, walk to the driveway cause so much pain that I cry. Before my diagnosis, I was struggling with hip pain and now it is so much worse.
I have a headache that is pretty painful each day. I am fortunate that I have been trained in several techniques that take care of this fairly quickly, but it’s still a pain. - The hot flashes!!! Oh, my goodness, the hot flashes!!!
- The pain that is coming from whatever is going on with my bladder comes and goes with no discernable pattern. One day it is tolerable, the next day (or hour), it makes it difficult to think of anything else.
Today is a self-pity day. For many years, when discussing self pity with clients, one of my suggestions was as follows. I often suggested that having a pity party was not the worst thing once in a while, but try to do this – give yourself timelines and deadlines. Decide just how long you are going to sit and feel sorry for yourself. Know when it is going to be over, and when it is, let it go and get on. If you can’t do that, then get some help. A friend, a professional who can help you move forward because living with that kind of feeling is exhausting. So I will allow myself to have today to be sad, to give in to the pain, to feel sorry for myself and then I’m going to find all the ways to get through this and help myself.
Now I don’t know about you, but when I feel this way, I don’t want anybody’s help, company or conversation. I do know that it is better to be honest with those who love you, want to help and particularly those you live with.
Tell them how you’re feeling and that you need some time. Tell them you have set timelines and you can talk after it’s over. I find that most people respect this and will still be there when you need them.
Most of all, don’t beat yourself up because you need your time to feel sad, mad, in pain. It’s okay to not be okay all the time.
