These past few weeks have been just like riding an emotional roller coaster, so many ups and downs. Each one of these comes with its own range of wildly differing emotions and I fear that I haven’t handled most of them very well. Even when it seemed that I should be celebrating and feeling good, I somehow wasn’t. Each time I fell into the deep bottom of the rolling hill of the coaster, I kept telling myself that I should get going so that I could be happy and excited about the next good thing but I didn’t really feel it.
I wrote just recently that it doesn’t feel like chemo is over. Just as I wrote then, I feel like if it’s really over then I wouldn’t feel so miserable. Now, having said that, the severe aches and pains that immediately followed each session are so much better. What is left is this overwhelming tiredness, fatigue and inability to do ANYTHING! The difference between now and when I was in the middle of all of the chemo treatments is that it’s over and I feel like I should be different – that I should have more energy and I should be able to do things. You see, for the four months of chemotherapy, it was totally reasonable and logical that I would feel rotten and all of the side effects were expected and logical. Now, it’s supposed to be over and yet, it’s not. I don’t feel justified in my lethargy any longer. Instead I feel lazy, unmotivated and that I just am in the habit of doing nothing. My family is very supportive and tells me to give it time but I really am having trouble with this. maybe it’s possible that I really am just used to laying around a good part of the time BUT maybe soon I will want to do things and truly be able to do so. Only time will tell for sure.
So, the ringing of the bell was the first high in this roller coaster. It really was a great event and significant in its meaning. The next week was a quick descent for sure. I was told to expect that the side effects of the last treatment would be difficult and they didn’t exaggerate. It was a tough week. On top of that, the nmbness and tingling in my feet and fingers is upsetting for sure. The doctor and nurses tell me that the only way to know if this will go away is to wait it out. It will either go away on its own or this is just the way they will stay. The bottoms of my feet have little feeling except when they are tingling. So far I have not had difficulty finding my step but the doctors tell me to watch for that. The tips of my fingers are itchy all the time and I find that I am flicking my fingernails over the itips of my fingers almost constantly to stop the itch. As with my feet, we wait and see even though all of the aches, pains, cramps, numbness and fatigue were awful for about a week to ten days, I was so looking forward to the next high.
I counted the days until I was due to go to the clinic tohave my picc line removed! I was just so very excited about this. The appointment was for a week after my final chemo treatment and it couldn’t come soon enough for me. Even thought the nurses had told me several times that I would not feel a thing, I was still nervous about the removal. Turns out they were absolutely right; there was no pain, in fact I didn’t feel a thing. Even though I couldn’t feel it, it was still weird and creepy as they pulled this long skinny tube out of my arm (I don’t know how long, but over a foot for sure). Having this gone changes day to day life. It means tha I can have a normal shower without worrying about getting my arm wet. I can pick up and carry the laundry, reasonably heavy bags, and use my arm normally again. It was a great day and I was thrilled.
The next day was an appointment with the radiation oncologist. It’s hard to say whether or not I was looking at this as a high or a low; a little bit of both, I think. The appointment was just that – highs and lows. The high is that I am moving forward, the lows are that we are now dealing with a whole new batch of side effects. We are now in a four week break between chemotherapy and radiation treatments. That means that early next month will be my first treatment. I will have twenty-five treatments in total; one a day but for weekends and holidays. That means that it will be approximately five to six weeks of treatment. Now, here is where I am feeling conflicted. A couple of people who have gone through radiation treatments have told me that it’s a piece of cake and you just sail through it. The doctor tells me that it will not be that simple. Because I have just finished chemo, the cumulative fatigue that my body is feeling weill be multiplied by the radiation. He tells me that a daily nap is going to be most important. He then listed all the other possible side effects – skin rash and burning of course, swollen breast (in fact he told me that it is possible with water swelling, some women have breasts swollen as large as a bowling ball – that’s comforting for sure), possible lymphodema in my arm and if so will stay that way, swollen and without muscle and then other remote possible conditions. Then he talked about why it’s important to have the chemo and the radiation. The chemo is designed to extend life and the radiation is to prevent the cancer returning. He added that it is especially important for me as my cancer was aggressibe and this is the phrase that keeps playing in my mind. I can’t get rid of it. But it must! Vic and I were talking about it yesterday and I said that it just keeps repeating in my head and then I remind myself that none of us know if we are going to get cancer whether or not we’ve had it. I have to pull myself together.
First thing is another scan. I am well aware that every time I have one now for the rest of my life, I will hold my breath until we hear results.
So it was up, down,up, down and so on. I’m ready for some even, smooth road for a little while.
