At the end of the day today I realized that I had finally taken a deep celebratory breath – let me explain.
This past almost two years have been ones of testing, waiting, worrying, treatment, fear and so many difficult emotions. I spent so much of that time worrying about and fearing for the fact that cancer was running around inside my body in so many places. Ten years ago, my mom passed away from ovarian cancer and I believe that I have worried about this being my fate for a long time. When I received my breast cancer diagnosis in 2022, there were many emotions that included fear, worry but there was also relief. I realize this sounds very strange because all I could think was, “it’s not ovarian cancer.”. Our minds do funny things don’t they?
The doctors, nurses and technicians throughout my whole treatment process were wonderfully compassionate and supportive. They talked about the healing that would come from my
chemo, surgery and radiation, they talked about my new life after cancer. The whole time this was happening, I still spent time thinking about the cancer running around inside my body.
Since the beginning of this journey I have always imagined cancer being little black aliens lurking and hiding in different parts. Now, to counteract this image I also imagined
chemotherapy and radiation being my own little army also running around inside shooting the hell out of these aliens. The war was on!
At the end of treatment, the doctors don’t tell you there is no cancer. They say there is no evidence of cancer at this time. I imagine that people all have their own interpretation of this.
There will be those who celebrate and go forward with the knowledge that they are moving on to a life without cancer. And then there was me who couldn’t seem to celebrate at all. All my friends and acquaintances were congratulating me and celebrating for me and I just couldn’t believe it or go forward with positivity towards this huge milestone of completing all my cancer treatments.
Then, several months after completion of treatment, I started having the exact same pain that I had when I was diagnosed. There was pain, tenderness and a little swelling in the area of my breast and underarm. You know where my mind went automatically; it was almost as if I felt it was destined to happen. At the same time, I developed dreadful pain and tenderness throughout my pelvic region. I know I have pelvic floor dysfunction but I was so incredibly concerned that finally ovarian cancer had caught up with me.
Thankfully, my oncology team and family doctor were so wonderfully supportive and helpful.
Fairly quickly I was scheduled for a breast ultrasound and mammogram and a pelvic ultrasound.
Both came back clear with no evidence of cancer at all. My pain is being attributed to residual pain from surgery and radiation and my pelvic pain to pelvic floor dysfunction.
Here’s the incredible thing —— for the first time, I felt that I didn’t have cancer!!! It was the most amazing thing; it was like I could believe it and move forward. It was like I have taken my first deep breath since my diagnosis.
How exciting is this?
Now I know this isn’t the last time I will ever worry about cancer but right now I am making plans to move forward for the first time. I have good doctors who are testing and making plans for treatment for my arthritis and all the age related aches and pains, so we’re going to make it possible for me to physically do things to feel better and mentally clear to feel better.
I have spent some time finding my shine again because I’m pretty sure that I covered it up completely myself and I am going to tap on my shine and regain my positivity, hope, excitement for life again. (for how to ‘find your shine’, see my post # 55 A NEW WAY TO LOOK AT IT).
Onward and forward, it’s time for TO DO lists again and that’s always been my normal.
