There is nothing like a cancer diagnosis to make you question your faith. I can’t speak for anyone else, but it has caused me to ask myself so many questions about what I believe.
I grew up in the 1950’s and 1960’s and it was so much simpler then. Well, everything about life was much simpler then but religion, church, beliefs and values were a given. I went to church every Sunday, sang in the choir and taught Sunday School when I was old enough. I prayed and believed that God lived in heaven and that’s where people went when they died. I didn’t question the logic of that such as where are all those people throughout history who died, are they all together there? Once, when I was about 50, my mom and I were talking and she had just listened to a talk show about heaven and the person being interviewed was talking about the fact that in heaven we all get along and everyone loves each other. My mom’s first husband, my father, died when I was young and she married my dad a few years later. She ws wondering what would happen when she got to heaven if both husbands were there. You see, it’s hard to start questioning those things because it just leads to more questions. As I said, it was easier when I was growing up, we didn’t question it.
Years later, my mom attended a weekly church service in the retirement home in which she lived. There was not a specific religion but it was well attended. One Sunday when I came to visit she was telling me (and I’m quoting her, mind you) that the minister had said that according to the bible there must be three or more people before God hears your prayers. I believe it was based on the quote in the bible that says “when three or more are gathered in my name there I am in the midst of them”. She asked me if I thought this was true. I replied that I didn’t as in the bible so many pray individually and speak to God individually. Well, my mother was so upset as her minister was someone she looked up to and he couldn’t be wrong. And then I made an even bigger mistake! I said that I didn’t believe literally in all the stories of the bible – that I believed they were beautiful stories and that they were perfect stories to live by and the lessons are good ones for us to aspire to. I said that I didn’t believe that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and then days later spit out again. I didn’t believe in the David and Goliath story. She was so upset and angry then that I thought maybe she was never going to speak to me again. We did recover from this conversation but I believe she was shaken by it because she wanted to believe. Truly, I don’t know what I believe about what I read in the bible and indeed, I still do read it. Not regularly, but sometimes. I find it soothing, it restores my faith in good and evil, it reminds me to believe in good. But I don’t know that I believe that we should take everything literally.
But here’s the thing – I believe in something. I just don’t know what specifically. People say this means I am spiritual but not religious. I don’t know about that but still don’t know what it is I do believe.
Have you seen the movie The Shack? In the movie, Octavia Spencer and Graham Greene both play God in different parts of the story. I found the movie beautiful and I also found that the God they described was lovely. The main character in the movie (played by Sam Worthington) had lost his little girl as she was taken and murdered by a man who was just evil. He then denies all the belief in God and good that he had carried all his life. In his interactions with God played by these two actors, they explain that God doesn’t cause the bad to happen but will carry you through to heal from the bad. The movie is more complicated than that but I found it uplifting, It made me feel good, it renewed my faith in some way. I have now seen it several times and cried each time but it is cathartic and I love it!
So do I believe in heaven? After all, that’s where all the questions come from when the doctor says you have cancer. I don’t know. I saw the interview with Betty White when she told the story of her mother describing death. She said that there was one secret that none of us know. We don’t know what happens when we die. When one of their family friends died, Betty’s mother said to her, we must keep in mind, that now, he knows the secret! And that is a wonderful thing!
So now I am in the same place I was when I started writing this. I’m not sure what I believe but on the days when I think I don’t believe in God, it often happens that on that day I see a beautiful bird or flower and I think, how else is all this beauty with such detail possible? Maybe I do…………………
