I had an interesting conversation with a doctor at the cancer centre last week discussing my symptoms/side effects and how I was feeling in general. She was telling me that this often becomes the most difficult time as we approach the finish line. Now, before any of us get too excited, I don’t mean the end of my cancer treatment, I mean the end of my chemotherapy treatments. She was telling me that often patients become very resistant to going to the last treatment. They feel like they are just ‘done’ and can’t do any more.
At the time, I thought that this just didn’t make sense to me. When you are that close to being finished, don’t you want to just keep going and get there? Well, over the past couple of weeks, I know exactly what she meant.
In case I haven’t explained clearly, my treatment plan was to have eight chemo treatments, each two weeks apart. As I understood it, the first four would be difficult as the side effects were most unpleasant. The drug, ofen referred to as ‘the red devil’ causes nausea and vomiting which can be severe. With that comes total hair loss, diarrhea, swollen mouth and mouth sores, loss of appetite, shortness of breath, fatigue and extreme tiredness. Oh yes, they were all nasty but we got through it. I somehow thought the next four were going to be easier. In truth, it may be that they are. The side effects of this drug include an increased risk of getting an infection due to a drop in white blood cells, numbness or tingling in fingers or toes that is often temporary but can improve after treatment (or sometimes not), mouth sores and ulcers. This last one I have found most difficult – muscles and/or joint aches that become painful two to three days after you have your treatment. It usually wears off after a few days to a week but may last longer. I must say that the last one has been very difficult for me. The aches are everywhere, they move around such that much of the time I just don’t know what to do with myself because the aches/pain are everywhere.
So I’m not sure that one is worse than the other but what I think I’ve figured out is that the problem is that it is all cumulative. Afer a certain amount of time, the body says, stop doing that, it’s feeling worse. The tiredness/fatigue piles up until just getting up and getting dressed is absolutely exhausting. If I go on a short shopping trip, I collapse into a chair when I get home because my legs won’t carry me further.
One of the worst things for me is that it feel like I’m a whining baby! I keep thinking that I should be able to do more; I feel like other people are handling this better than I am and that I need to just get on with it.
What I do understand now is exactly what that doctor said to me. There is a part of me that says, “no, I don’t want to do anymore”. I think about what that third, fourth and fifth day after chemo is like and I know that I pretty m cry myself through those few das. Pain medication helps but I work to not use too much as my stomach doesn’t like that either. Now having said all that, I don’t want to do anymore, that not really true. It is very important to me to finish the whole treatment schedule. There are two more to go and I know that I’ll get there. I look forward to ringing he bell in the chemo site when finished but I know that I am not near finished yet. I have radiation treatments to complete and a long ongoing relationship with the cancer centre and the cancer doctors. I am going to for sure celebrate completions and good stuff along the way when I can.
It is important for me to remember this as I spent a good part of my life only allowing myself to celebrate when everything was perfect. I had to do everything perfectly, finish it perfectly and nothing less would do. I know it sounds simplistic but it was a simple quote that woke me up to realizing that waiting for perfection or trying to achieve constant perfection was a waste of time and didn’t allow for small victories. It was: trying to achieve perfection is like running a race while someone keeps moving the finish line. There are many quotes like this, so I don’t know who this one belongs to but it resonated with me. You won’t get there if you wait for it to be perfect. This doesn’t mean I don’t have goals, I do. What I know now is that they have to be realistic and doable. So I will celebrate the victories and achievements along the way.
