I have not written anything for so long and I have to admit that I am just not up for it. I’ve spent some time deciding why that is and have come to the conclusion that I am just tired of whining and complaining and that’s what it might just amount to.
You see, I am just not feeling well at all and that has been spilling over into my mood and my energy and I don’t get a lot done. Each time I thought about writing something, I realized that I wasn’t up to sharing my mood, my feelings or the happenings of the days as I feeling like I’m just not doing anything. This is so very difficult for me as I feel like I’m a “doer” = I always have plans, I almost always have goals. These might be goals for the day, the week or the future in general. Lately, setting goals has been hard to do or I’m not doing it at all as I don’t feel like I can get them done.
On top of that, whenever I talk to people, they immediately ask how I am and I find that I don’t want to tell them. Everyone is full of stories of people who had cancer, had treatment and then returned to their busy, regular lives. That for sure isn’t happening here and I have to admit that I feel like a complete failure. How come I’m not all better? How come I can’t do anything?
So here’s where I’m at. All my muscles and joints ache almost all the time. Everything hurts when I move or try to do anything physical at all. Walking is just about impossible some days and I have to decide what to do each day to conserve energy if I am going to walk anywhere.
My taste buds have not returned to normal in any way at all. The good news (according to he cancer doctors) is that I am hungry and want to eat. The not so good news is that I find I don’t like to eat almost anything. Sometimes food sounds and smells good but eating just can’t happen as I find I just don’t want it at all. We play a game here every day of “what do you think you would like for dinner?”. Vic, bless his heart, tries to find things that might interest me but they are few and far between. On top of that, I have no energy or inclination to cook very often and that’s not easy as I like to – or used to. This next issue I feel bad about being so upset about and it is that when my hair grew back it grew back very thin and very white. This means that it appears that I don’t have a lot of hair. I keep thinking that I look like an old man. Family and friends attempt to reassure me that’s not so but I don’t like it at all and it makes me feel so vain that I care so much. Not only do I care, I find I don’t want to go anywhere.
I’m not sleeping. It’s hard to go to sleep, hard to stay asleep and I’m tired and I think probably grumpier than I think I am. My legs have something stupid going on. It might be restless legs, I’m not sure but it feels like they are vibrating or burning much of the time and it’s impossible to sleep when this happens. My left arm is weak and sore and that’s probably post radiation stuff happening. The neuropathy in my hands and feet have not gone away. I’m told that for some it goes away after months or years but so far that hasn’t happened. This means that I drop things out of my hand without knowing it’s happening and I can’t feel the bottom of my feet a good deal of the time. I have to be careful as I think I am taking a step and haven’t so falling could happen easily. I keep saying that I walk like an old woman and yeah, I know ‘I AM’ an old woman) but this is not normal at all.
The cancer doctors tell me that some of these things are not related to my cancer or my treatment. Several of them are related to the pills that I am taking to prevent a recurrence of cancer but certainly not all of them. All I know is that I wasn’t like this before cancer and I am now. I also know that I managed to get all the post cancer symptoms, pains and conditions and they’re not going away any time soon by the look of it.
I feel like such a lazy person and am so very frustrated that I don’t get things done. Now, I am well aware that I am old and getting older all the time and things just don’t work as they once did but there is so much I just can’t do.
The upshot of this whole thing is that I have decided to stop writing and sharing my thoughts for now. I am so very appreciative of all the support, kind thoughts and comments from all of you. I am hoping that in time I will be back and writing again and that you will be here and reading it. Thanks so much and bye for now!
