When I first received my diagnosis, Vic said to me, “we will get through this together” and he has been true to his word. I can’t tell you how many hours he has spent waiting in waiting rooms, parking lots, hospital rooms while I saw doctors and had procedures done. He has done all of this without complaint.
Now I know that there are lots of jokes about couples and when they retire, they drive each other crazy both being home ALL the time! Well, we are learning what that is all about. It is just coincidence (or perhaps not, who knows? Maybe it was meant to be) that Vic is not working at the moment. He has retired several timess but just isn’t able to do so permanently. Right now he is waiting on a license renewal so that he can go back to work again and so has been home full time for more than six weeks. It has been enormously convenient as he has done all of the driving to all appointments and kept me company and offered strength and support for all appointments.
We are so fortunate that we enjoy each other’s company so much. Even thought this whole experience has brought with it many pains, aches, mood swings, mercurial eating habits and general fatigue, we still manage to make each other laugh a lot. It is true that this is good medicine and how lucky are we that we can laugh through almost anything. Even though I am saying this as if it is constantly true, he tells me that I have been moody and cranky when I don’t even realize it. I’m trying to be more aware but obviously this might be subjective and maybe I don’t want to see it, but I’m trying.
I can’t pretend that this is all perfect. For starters, I would like to be able to have the television remote once in a while. I would also like to be able to clean up the kitchen and have it stay that wasy for just a few hours. And while we’re talking about clenaning hings up, I have to say that he doesn’t know or understand what I’m talking about when I say this. There are two comments that I have loved from Facebook over the years and one of them is a word that I thnk is genius. I have mentioned it before, it is “clutterblind”. He is this for sure. Not only does he not see that things need to be tidied up, he doesn’t even know that they are messed up. I kid you not- He doesn’t see clutter. Clutterblind, it’s a perfect word. The other is something I read just last week. It said, “I am not OCD. There is a place for everthing!” I do have a place for everything and I can’t believe he doesn’t know where those places are. When he is away at work, I seem to have the time to put things away and know they are in their place. I feel like that just can’t happen at the moment and add that to my lack of enery and general feeling of pain or nausea or or so many other things, I just can’t do it. I have learned to live with it better than I ever did because there is nothing like cancer to remind you that in the long run it won’t matter how much housework you did or how much dusting was done.
The truth is that I feel that I am dealing with small details better than I ever did, in that I can let them go. I hope that this is obvious to him and my friends and family. Cancer and all the feeelings it brings with it is an ongoing reminder that the love of all those you care about and who care about you is the most important thing we have.
Hair and body update
Well, I am left with just individual hairs all over my head. They are spread out so they look very strange but here’s the really strange thing. They’re growing! I dont’ know what to do about them so I’ll just see how it goes. I have found that I don’t care much about going out in public now in my chemo scarves. I was uncomfortable and nervous in the beginning but now it is my new normal.
Here’s one new thing – there is no hair growing on my legs or my face. I don’t mean that I had a beard but I’m sure most women know what I’m talking about. As we grow older, we spend a lot of time with the tweezers or at the waxing salon; but there is none right now. It’s smooth as can be. I am truly excited by that. Hey you take it where you can get it , right?
I’m gaining weight – what’s with that? I’m told that it is a myth that people all lose weight during cancer and chemo but the chemo is full of steroids and it means weight gain. This is in spite of the fact that I had the flu for a week and didn’t eat and I hardly eat anything during chemo week. Oh well, as my daughter says, “it is what it is”.
