I know, but it’s causing me so much worry, pain and stress that I think about it and talk about it a lot.
Well, it didn’t take long for almost all of my hair to fall out and what is left seems to be what is going to stay. I must say that it looks very strange , to me almost alien. Actually, the hair that is still there is in small tufts all over my head and it looks like what is there might be growing a little. I don’t know that I thought about that when I decided not to shave it. That hasn’t changed, I can’t seem to make myself have it done’.
Before my hair actually started falling out and when I was just contemplating it happening, I thought that I would wear my wig all the time. When I read about women not wearing their wig I didn’t quite know why this would be so. Well, I’ve found that it is quite uncomfortable and because of my small head, it covers my ears and hurts after a while. I know with a much more expensive one these issues wouldn’t be there, but I am not able to put more money toward this.
We have found that having cancer is expensive. Don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful for our health care sysem and am aware of the kind of costs we would incur without our free health care. This doesn’t mean however that there are no costs. For starters, we are at the hosptial at least six to eight times per month and parking charges are outrageous, so this is costly in and of itself. Last week I needed to buy a special mouthwash that is sixty dollars and a bottle only lasts for thirty days. And on it goes – we aren’t even one thrid of the way through my trreatment yet, we have more than five months to go. So that’s why I couldn’t invest in a more expensive wig.
Back to my hair issues and the issues it is causing in my head.
This week we were at the cancer clinic and I was waiting in the lab waiting room to have my blood checked for chemo. There was a young woman sitting waiting with us and I took notice of her, one because she appeared so young and two because she was wearing Doc Martens. I have always wanted to wear them and my feet won’t tolerate it but I like the look of them. We proceeded to the clinic waiting room and again she was sitting across from us and we began to talk. It turned out that she was older than I thought; she was actually fifty. Still young, comparably but older than I originally thought. She was wearing a winter touque and we started discussing our hair losss. She told us that when hers started coming out in large clumps she decided to have it shaved. She went to a barber who gave her a royal treatment – hot shaving cream, clean shave and massage and cream afterwards. She has decided that she is going to go out completely bad all summer and wear it with pride. I must say that it suits her and I so admired her courage. Another woman in the waiting room joined the conversation and talked about her wig and I must say it was a great looking one. It is the way she feels most comfortable. I’ve found that I am most comfortable with scarves and my daughter assures me that we live in times that so many different kinds of headwear are worn everywhere.
I started out just wearing the scarves to the cancer centre because we’re all in the same boat and I don’t think anyone sees it as strange therej. It’s our safe place and we can be who we are at the moment, from our hair to our mood to our bodies behaving strangely and everyone understands.
I realized on the drive home that the women and I in the waiting room had formed our own support group that afternoon and it was so helpful for all of us.
I’m still shocked each and every time I look into the mirror. My sister-in-law, who has been so very helpful and supportive, says, “listen, stop looking”. She might be right and by that I mean when I look I have to look past the hair loss and remember that I am lucky to be here.
If I ever said to anyone, “it’s only hair, it’ll grow back”, I apologize. It is a big deal.
