Five days ago, I was in the shower and handfuls of hair started to fall out. I know that I’ve talked this to death but I just can’t help being so very upset over my hair loss. Both my regular hairdresser and the lovely woman who sold me my wig told me that they would cut/shave my head when my hair started to come out and I knew it was time.
She cut it very, very short, just shy of a buzz cut because I wasn’t ready to take it all off and shave it. I know now that doing this was a mistake and I should have shaved it.
My family and friends must be sick of hearing me complain but it’s an ongoing thing so I figure I can until it’s all out – at least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Here’s how the hair loss is happening
- First, it doesn’t come out all at once (I mention this because my husband thought maybe that’s how it happens. It doesn’t come out evenly – you get little bald patches all over your head with no particular pattern.)
- More comes out when you are in the shower; honestly, having a shower traumatizes me every time. As soon as the hair is wet, I put my hands up to feel it and my hands come off my head covered in hair. I keep telling Vic it’s like a furry paw each time. I freak out every time like it’s a surprise.
- If I’m sitting on the couch watching television or reading, random hairs fall down onto my glasses or my chest. It’s most disconcerting and I think it’s also creepy.
- I’m pretty sure that the whole house is now covered in my hair and I don’t have the energy to vacuum it up and anyway I don’t know where it all is. I know the answer to that is clean everywhere but I have difficulty finding the energy to just clean me.
- I feel like everyone knows that I’m wearing a wig, then I’m self-conscious about it and I don’t know why. I read an article recently that said most women who buy a wig wear it hardly at all. When I read that, I didn’t believe it but I do now.
- I have eight chemo treatments in all and I have just finished treatment number two. Since they are two weeks apart, I have three and a half more months of this so I know that I must get used to it. I am told that hair starts to grow back six to eight weeks after treatment ends, so now we are at least four to five months.
I don’t know if it will all fall out or if I will be left with little patches. I know that I should go and have it shaved but I just can’t make myself do it. I don’t know hy, but I suspect that there is a little secret dream that it won’t all dispapear. Oh yeah, I’m also watching to see if I lose my eyebrows, lashes and pubic hair.
I’ve stopped crying over it non-stop but the shock of it and the process make me so miserable that I deal with it badly. My family is so very supportive but I know I have to come to terms with this myself.
I’ve made some cool scarves to cover my head. They are all made from shiny material so I can remember to hold onto my shine. I need to remember what I told my oncologist that cancer can’t cover up my shine. That may sound hokey to some but I must say it helps tremendously when I am insecure, scared, upset, teary and weepy over my hair to think about this big ball of shine inside me that will bring a smile and there’s something to be said for that.
