Well, surprise! Thirty-six hours after my visit to urgent care I got a call from the hospital that my COVID test was positive. I can’t believe that now everything will be postponed again but that’s what it is. When I look at where we are at, I realize that thirteen days from today will be one year exactly from my initial diagnosis. I guess I thought that by now we would be finishing up all of the planned treatments.
This will be the third postponement of my treatment. In the beginning, they told me that I would start with chemotherapy, then surgery and then radiation and perhaps more chemo. This was all changed when I developed the pelvic floor dysfunction and they were not comfortable giving me chemo. At that time, we switched to the hormone inhibitor drug for six months and it came with awful side effects. BUT, it did the job it was supposed to do, the cancer under my arm disappeared and the tumor in my breast shrunk considerably. Then came surgery and the recovery was relatively smooth. The plan was to immediately have radiation and of course, the medical system personnel problems put that off for weeks and weeks. When my biopsy finally came back, the doctors decided that indeed I do need chemotherapy. I keep reminding myself that the doctor has said that one, it is preventative, and two, my body responded well to the drugs the first time around. Now, covid has put if off again.
I called the cancer centre to find out what the plan will be. I’m still not sure when we’re starting but it looks like it might be this week. It is two weeks past my covid diagnosis so they are not concerned about contagion but I still have lingering symptoms. There is massive fatigue and a barking cough that just hangs on. So, we wait………….
I spoke with the nurse at the cancer centre and expressed my frustration with the situation. It was not frustration with them, it was that even though I am not looking forward to chemo, I know that we need to get going with it. I have to be honest – I am not ordinarily a nervous or frightened person. In fact, I am quite the opposite; I am one of those, okay, it’s happened, let’s make a plan kind of person. I have to admit however, that I am scared to death. Chemotherapy and all that it entails scares me terribly.
I remember a few years ago having a conversation with a friend about what if we developed cancer; it was probably when my mom was going through her treatments. I said at that time that if it were me and they suggested chemo, and it was recommended just to prolong my life with cancer, I would not have it. If however, it was to get rid of cancer or work to prevent more cancer, then I would. So here we are and here I am.
So now I’m attempting to be my regular, “here’s the plan” person. I had a conversation with my ten year old grandson this week and he was asking what chemo was like. We talked about what it was and how it acts and he was completely empathetic and concerned. When I told him that most probably I would lose my hair, he said, “well that sucks!”. Yup, it sucks and I am vain enough to be a mess about that. Over thirty years ago, I lost all my hair as a result of a drug I was taking, not related to cancer at all. I bought two great wigs, one that looked just like my own hairstyle and one longer hair as I had never had long hair in my life. They were very expensive and I tried to have insurance benefits cover them and they told me that hair loss was not a medical condition. I responded that when you are forty, female and single, it sure as hell is! Anyway, several years later, I had a client at the shelter going through chemotherapy and so I gave her both wigs. She has since passed them on to someone else. So I guess we are starting again but this time benefits will pay a small amount towards it – better than nothing. So, getting a wig is sure on the list. The second thing is that I have decided that as I sit there with the chemo drugs dripping into my arm, I am going to imagine the drugs as a little army running through my body looking for any sign of cancer and shooting the hell out of it when found. I need to do this because the other part of my brain imagines it as a poison running through my body and yes, I do know that’s what it is but I prefer the army scenario.
All that aside, I am scared but know that I have to do this. I think we start three days from now.
Stay tuned……………..
