I’m not sure that I will ever share this piece of my story with anyone but my husband. Part of the reason I feel this way is that is very private and between us. The other part is that he may not be comfortable with me sharing these feelings and thoughts with the world. Having said all that, isn’t that why I started writing this in the first place?
So, I have just finished reading an article about cancer and how it affects relationships. The very first statistic that is in the article is that female cancer patients are six times more likely than male patients to have their relationship end while they are in treatment for cancer. I don’t want you to think that I am thinking that’s what is going to happen to my marriage but I know for sure that it is suffering.
My first reaction to this statistic is that women are more naturally caregivers. Oh, for heaven’s sake, I have spent my whole life talking about the equality of the sexes but I do also believe that there are natural and cultural differences. We are used to taking care of people. For me, I know that one of the reasons I try so hard looking after people is that it is a need within me. I am fulfilling a need of mine as well as taking care of other’s needs. I not only try to meet other people’s needs, I work hard to anticipate them and take care of them before being asked. Maybe it makes me feel needed, competent and for sure it still is part of living up to my mother’s expectations. My mom has been gone almost ten years now and I am still trying to do what she would expect and want. The standards she set were high but I just kept on (well, still keeping on) working to meet them. I don’t think I’m up to a long discussion about that today but I’m sure I will at some time.
That whole business is a large part of what’s going on in my house at the moment. From the age of eight, I worked hard to look after my chores, my schoolwork, make sure my mom was happy with what I’d done and not break any rules. I don’t know if this was imposed upon me or if I just took it on myself, but it became my life’s theme. So, after so many years of living this way, I brought that attitude and energy to this marriage. Since I retired just a few years after we married, I took on all household tasks and if I’m being honest, I think I worked still on my mother’s standards. Therefore, no one else could do them as I did. I have never said this out loud before but I’m sure it’s true.
Now my husband was raised quite differently. He was raised by parents that had already lost a child and almost lost two. The war was horrific for them and they were grateful and protective of the son that came to Canada with them. He was taken care of, he was valued, he was the chosen child. I don’t mean that in a disparaging way, I mean it in a loving one. Consequently, he doesn’t look around the house and only see what is to be done; he sees it as done. Add to that the fact that our standards are so far apart I do that stupid thing of “I’ll just do it myself, might as well”. I am well aware that he can’t win. I once heard a comedian use the term ‘clutterblind’ and I’m sure that’s what he is. He doesn’t see the mess that I do. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a hard worker, has been his whole life but things around the house were always done (kinda like magic, you know). I think this is true of many men of our generation, they were different times. I also don’t want to intimate that he doesn’t care how I’m feeling, he really does. He’s just not sure what I want him to do and to be completely honest, neither do I.
This hasn’t been a major issue in our house as I just continued doing what I do and he continued doing what he does and we seem to get along well that way. Now that I can’t do most of what I usually do, I am so miserable because I know that I’m looking at feeling weaker and sicker for at least the immediate future. Now I alternate between just being angry and frustrated because I can’t do it and angry and frustrated because he doesn’t. He knows full well that if he does do it, I am going to be unhappy because it’s not exactly how I would do it and he is still working so he’s tired. Oh yeah, and we’re both over seventy!
This week we both have the flu. We’ve tested and it’s not covid but it’s a nasty bug and neither one of us are up to much but sleeping. Not only am I feeling completely weak, sore, coughing non-stop, I am worried to death about messing up my treatment plan. After all, chemo starts next week.
We’re both so miserable and it’s individual but also miserable together. The problem is we’re not talking about it. I don’t know about him, but I don’t have the energy to talk about it right now. So we’re wandering around here only talking when we need to, not eating properly because no one wants to make it. I should add here that no matter what kind of flu bug I have, I can eat. I want to eat, I want to be looked after but I don’t – you know?
How is he supposed to figure this out? We have been together now about fifteen years and we love each other’s company, we never run out of things to talk about, laugh about, love about. Oh, but that’s not true right now. I know if we’re going to have the conversation, I will have to initiate it. One, it’s my style, two it’s not his.
Lastly, I have to say that even though I have talked a lot about my horrible fears of cancer and dying, for the most part, I believe that I will come through all of this treatment and still have good living to do. In the same way, even though I have worried a lot over the past two weeks while we have both been ill, I know we will come through together. We just have to get back to talking, laughing and loving.
