Yesterday I went for another covid vaccine. I had actually decided that I had had enough of them as I had four. I got the first two as that was the requirement. I know there are those who will question that but for me it seemed a requirement. The third and fourth were because my husband thought it would be extra protection so we might as well. I have had no side effects whatsoever so okay. At my last oncologist appointment, she asked if I had had the bivalent shot (for seniors) and I said that I hadn’t been planning to. She not only urged me to do so but added to do it as soon as possible. In the last week and a half I have also had my flu shot so hopefully I’m well covered.
The young woman who administered my shot turned out to be an emergency room physician in the cancer centre which brought on a great conversation. You see, she asked me how I was and I hesitated. Truly, these days, I don’t know how to answer that question. Do I say fine because it just feels like a lie and a stupid answer because I’m not fine in any way? Do I say fine for someone who has breast cancer? I won’t do that because I’m aware of how uncomfortable it will make people feel. Do I just say okay? I have always believed that it’s also an awkward answer because then people feel like they should ask a question but they don’t want to because they don’t want to hear the answer. So my usual answer is ‘one day at a time’, I’m fine thanks.
So our conversation went on for her to suggest that I listen to a podcast she had also listened to. It’s called Terrible, Thanks for Asking. It is by a woman who lost her husband when she was twenty eight years old. She talks about how her life has changed, the feelings she is dealing with, indeed the anger she is living with and how she is living her life around all of it. She encourages people to feel what they feel, to do what they need to do to get through and that only you know what to do to get through. She is interesting, helpful and entertaining. I’m not sure that I could do all of the things she has but as she says, we get through the way we need to. It was my perception when listening that it involved cutting ties or at least cutting events from your life that bring you pain or add to your feelings of aloneness and anger. I’m not sure I could do that but it is about survival. Grief is different for all.
So on the one hand, I have just said that I couldn’t do what she has but on the other hand I know I have been considering it in my head. I’m going to try to explain. I have not told the world I have cancer. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t told people. I have told some. When people that I have known for a long time, either through work or social networks, ask how I am, I tell them. No details, just that it has been difficult as cancer sucks. I wasn’t ready to just announce it to everyone – weird though as I’m planning to post this as a blog, I know. But at the time, until I’m ready, I’m not ready.
Having said all that, I did tell a few people in the beginning. I immediately told all of my immediate family. They are my support, my love and also would be seeing the changes in me. I decided to tell a few friends. I can’t even say why I told the ones I did, but it seemed important at the time. A couple of friends were overwhelming supportive and sent me good thoughts, groceries, money and helpful words that made me feel supported and cared for. I’ve heard from them a couple of times since but I’m pretty sure I’m not doing my part to stay in touch. My close, close friend, immediately said, ‘what do you need?’. That’s the most important question as I’m not good at asking, never was. She knows that. She knows me. She has never missed a week of calling to find out what happened at each appointment, what do I need, how am I feeling (oh great, I’m crying again). She understands when I cancel our outings, she is prepared for last minute changes to plans and even makes sure to walk slowly to accommodate me. I hardly have words for her support and care but thank you, thank you. There are a couple of other people I told, I guess just because they are people who have been in my life for a very long time and I felt the need.
This was over ten months ago and I’ve never heard a word since. Please be aware, I know that people have lives of their own, I know that some are uncomfortable talking about it – the cancer word can stop conversation on a dime. I don’t know why they can’t call, text would be great because you don’t have to talk. I feel like a whining baby but I just want to know that they’re thinking about it and me. On my bad days, I’m angry, on my worst days, I’m hurt, on my good days I’m understanding, so it is what it is as my daughter is fond of saying.
So as in this woman’s podcast, we all do what works for us. I’m still working on what works for me. When I get there, I’ll let you know.
