Oh my God! Just when I think that I have climbed out of one hole and moving on to be able to do things and act human again, I receive more news that throws me right into that deep dark hole. I am going to try to explain in order of what I believe is the biggest trigger at the moment but the truth is, I think that they are all related. I work not to think about that a lot because that would be a huge issue to deal with at the moment.
First, the doctors have decided that I will need to have chemotherapy before radiation. This will last for four months with all the side effects. I can’t believe that I am as vain about losing my hair as I am. Part of this worry is that I already went through this approximately thirty years ago. As a result of a hormone replacement therapy (and maybe too the fact that my husband of twenty years had suddenly left to live with his new girlfriend), I lost all my hair. It was a difficult time as my job at that time included a lot of public appearances, newspaper, television, magazines. I was frightened but I bought new very good wigs and got through it. I just don’t want to do it again, but I will. My oncologist explained that I could make a decision to skip the chemo but it is her strong suggestion that it is needed. On the biopsy, they have seen what they call “angry features”. This has now been explained to me a number of times and I don’t quite understand it but I know it means that cancer could have a leg up on me if I don’t do chemo. So I will! I told the oncologist that having this conversation reminded me of my mom talking with her oncologist. When they asked her if she wanted to try a new drug, she said, “give me everything you got”. I long ago decided that if I had cancer and was told it was terminal, I would not have chemo to prolong my life. BUT, if I have chemo to prevent more cancer, that’s a different thing. When I heard the doctors talking about angry features, fast-growing cancer, aggressive cancer, I went right back to panic, crying randomly, and small scary anxiety attacks.
The oncologist explained that they got the cancer, they see none, this is preventative therapy to make sure I don’t have it return. Microscopic cancer cells that they can’t see can travel to different parts of the body. Since my body responded to the drug I had been taking – it reduced the tumor and removed the cancer cells from my lymph node completely, this told them that most probably it will also respond well to chemotherapy. The plan is that I will have four months of chemo, that’s eight sessions and then thirty sessions of radiation. This takes us right into summer and we will have been dealing with this for two years by that time. It’s a long journey and I am crying my way through it. I don’t even always have warning as to when the crying will start or why, it makes me feel like a crybaby.
Second, this pelvic floor dysfunction thing is definitely causing so much pain that I honestly forget about the cancer sometimes. Or, sometimes, it just makes me think that maybe it’s cancer too. The doctors have given me no reason to believe that, I just sometimes do. I started physiotherapy and now I am going to be a big crybaby. I scheduled my first appointment and it was explained to me that it would include external and internal therapy and massage. I was a little uncomfortable about this as I knew it would be painful. Well, the day before my first appointment, I went to see my family doctor with a question about diabetes as I had a thought that it might be a new issue for me. Why not, huh? I had a number of what I thought were symptoms so off we go. When I gave them the requested urine sample, it turned out that I have a UTI (bladder infection). This changes physiotherapy as they can’t do the internal exam or therapy. We did the external therapy and holy smokes, I have never known this kind of pain. Not childbirth, not my appendix, not anything! I think the pain in my abdomen was a little better afterwards, but I also think that could be the antiobiotics for the infection, who knows? I went to the second session with much trepidation and it was the same as the first, only more so. Not only was it extremely painful, I felt worse, walked worse, moved worse than before. I have decided for now not to go back. I think maybe I just can’t deal with one more thing even if it is supposed to help. I have obtained a tens machine and am going to see if this kind of muscle stimulation will help. I also have discovered that CBD Gummies help with the pain without the side effects of the pain medications I was taking. We’ll re-evaluate down the road.
The last thing (I think), is my head. I can’t seem to get control of my emotions, my crying, my frustration – it’s not really anger, but maybe, and it’s driving me crazy. The physiotherapist talked about the fact that we carry our emotions in our abdomen and gut and I know this well through all the mind body training I have taken. Who knows how much of the pain in my abdomen is caused by the mess going on in mind? I know and have practiced for years so many techniques for gaining control of your thoughts and moods. I am trying but it’s not working as I know it should. The oncologist says and I agree with her that it’s easy to help others with all the right things to do but it’s not the same when it’s you. She has suggested that I speak with the psychologist at the cancer centre who deals only with cancer patients. She also reminded me that I have been through a lot this year and should give myself a break if I am feeling shitty. I told her I will consider it.
So, I start chemo in January. The doctor says we could start now if she could get me in but Christmas is important and to do that and plan for the new year. She spent the better part of an hour going through the side effects and of course I am pretty familiar having watched my mom go through them. I know I have had cancer for a year and I know it is real as I’ve listened to all the doctors, I’ve had surgery and treatment, but the part of the journey coming up has made it even more scary, even more real. The oncologist says to remember we are doing this to prevent more cancer, not because there is more cancer. That’s a new mantra to use when I need it.
Christmas is this week. I will not have to fake good feelings about that as I love my family beyond reason and can’t wait. We will celebrate and have a happy holiday together, I don’t even have to fake that.
