I haven’t written anything because I just couldn’t. It might have been that I was too tired, it might have been that I was too miserable or I think it might have been that I didn’t want to write anything as negative as all that I was feeling. I believe that at the beginning of this journey I started writing to examine my feelings, share them but also to keep myself positive and optimistic.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about all the people I’ve read about, heard about that travelled their cancer journey with good spirits, good humour and a great positive outlook. I know that my Mom was seen as that way but in private, we had some tough times. Sometimes she was in such pain, there were times that she was just so angry, times when she didn’t have the energy to do the things she wanted to do and then the times she just couldn’t put the smile on her face that everyone was looking for. I thought I understood at the time, but I really didn’t – now I do!
This past month has been difficult, no it’s been a nightmare. There are so many people that I wasn’t going to let see how miserable I was because they were all telling me I should be so happy that my breast cancer surgery was a success (at least that’s what we know so far – I will explain more about that in a minute) so they wanted me to be celebrating. I am indeed pleased that my surgeon said it all went very well. I must share that when I went for my surgery follow up, she examined the incisions and said, “wow, I did a great job”. And she so did; my incisions are now healing well, the pain is much less and there is very little damage to the breast itself. First of course, the breast is still there, there is no hold, the incision is not totally visible as it is underneath and you can hardly tell there was surgery. I know that’s not the most important thing, but it’s good.
So here’s how this month has gone. Healing from the surgery was painful and I was tired but it was normal, like any other surgery I’ve had. The side effects of the drug I am on is making life miserable. The pain in the joints and muscles in my legs progresses throughout each day such that in the morning, I think, not too bad and by nighttime, walking brings me to tears. It’s not just that it hurts, it’s also that by evening, sometimes I just can’t walk. The hot flashes are constant and if I don’t have a fan in my hands I think I am going to explode. Most of the time I am aware of the mood swings and how my mood is constantly changing but being aware doesn’t seem to be helpful to controlling my outlook at that time. I hear things come out of my mouth and I’m disgusted that I’m showing anger and bad humour to those I love, but I am helpless to change them at the time. There are a few other not so great side effects, but those are the ones most disturbing. Also, the plan was to move on to radiation immediately but apparently there is a dreadful backlog in the labs and my slides are not ready for the pathologist to give my surgeon and oncologist results to know if there is residual cancer and how and where to direct radiation.
Oh yeah, I might have to have chemotherapy. On top of all this, whatever is going on in my pelvis and abdomen is no better than it was months ago. Tentatively, it is being diagnosed as pelvic floor dysfunction and will require physiotherapy. I met with one physiotherapy organization but the fit wasn’t great so tomorrow I am going to meet with a second one. I say the fit wasn’t great, but what I’m trying to say is that I was so uncomfortable about their approach that I knew I could not continue. Given that I seem to have no self confidence or courage these days, I am impressed with myself that I managed to end it and go on to start again. Anyway, this condition is causing me so much pain and horrible bladder and bowel complications that leaving the house is almost impossible and it’s hard to think about anything else. How is it possible that this is a separate issue at exactly this time; at least that’s what the doctors say.
I know that my family, at least my husband and my daughter as they are the ones who spend the most time with me, will have a hard time believing my next statement. I’m trying so hard not to share with them how much pain I’m in and how difficult it is just getting out of bed. I say that because I know they’ve seen my tears and there is a lot of groaning and moaning coming from me. What I try not to let them see and hear is the fear. The fear number one is “is this cancer?” because I know that for the rest of my life any pain or issue will cause this question. Number two is how the hell is this fair when I’m trying to deal with the cancer? I’ve been a counsellor long enough to know this borders on victim thinking but it’s a temporary thought so I’m letting it happen for the moment. Number three is can they fix this because I have had enough.
So back to all of those people who have gone through this smiling and showing a good face to the world. I am so impressed with them and I am working hard to be them. I taught positive thinking and the effects of stress on the body and pain for so long that I know it is important to be believing in the good things that are going to happen. If I am being honest however, sometimes, I think they are just lying to us and going through and feeling exactly as I am.
Tomorrow is a new week, perhaps some test results and therefore a plan and a new physiotherapy approach that will help. I am excited about all that, for sure – and that’s no lie!
