Today my grandson got married and I wasn’t there. I have cried many tears that I couldn’t be there on such a happy day with family and friends. I also cried because so many people were upset and yes, also annoyed that I wasn’t there. I didn’t make the decision easily but carefully and after consultation with doctors. I can go out for short periods of time but not for a long time and definitely not for long periods of time in the car – this would have been at least an eight hour car ride. This week, on top of my difficulty walking and standing, I had a not so pleasant reaction to a change in medications. Leaving the house was near to impossible. On top of that, my daughter has just had emergency surgery and is awaiting a scheduled surgery in five more days. She, my husband and I know that taking care of each other and her children will be all we can cope with in the coming weeks.
Yesterday I missed a celebration of life for the mother of a dear friend. This is another event that was so important for me to attend and it just wasn’t possible. Again, I spent a great deal of time thinking, “can I do this?” and knowing that on that day leaving the house wasn’t going to happen.
One of the most painful things about both of these events is worrying about how it will affect my relationships with friends and family. Are they hurt, angry, insulted? I so don’t want that to happen and yet am not able to do any more than I can. None of this changes the love I have for all of these people but hopefully, it also won’t change the relationships.
I know that it is hard on everyone connected to me as we cope with what our lives are at the moment. I work hard to remember to live every day instead of just sitting, waiting for the next medical appointment to see what news it brings. I need to remember that every day is a gift and to do what I am able to do to make it count. This is doubly important as tomorrow is my birthday.
I have for about the last twenty years made birthdays an important decision making day. I almost always set one particular goal for the coming year that as I usually put it, ‘scares the hell out of me’. This started when I turned fifty-five and has just continued. I’m still making a decision about this year’s and I better hurry up since it’s almost midnight.
I’m back to thinking about friends and family. This seems to keep coming up whenever I write about my cancer journey.
The family closest to me in terms of those I live with each and every day has been so very affected by it all. My husband works so hard to find things that make me smile, be it bringing home chocolate, some scratch lottery tickets, ideas for a good dinner. The trouble is that he never knows what reaction he will get. For that matter, neither do I. I too work hard to not be miserable or unappreciative. What we have learned is important is that we acknowledge and let each other know when it’s an especially bad day. My daughter and grandchildren who are close by are also right in the thick of this as well. She never goes anywhere without asking what I need or do I want to go, what can she do to help. Over the years, we have taken turns looking after each other in tough times, but it’s surely not supposed to happen to both of us at once.
I have a couple of good friends and family who call at least once a week just to chat and ask how I am. We spend some time talking about all sorts of things, but the truth is the most important thing is that I know they care. I’m not sure I have let them know how much I appreciate those calls but I do!
By the same token, I have found that I don’t have the energy for negative conversations and I’m so very sensitive to everything. By that I mean emotionally, I cry easily and have decided to avoid the conversations and time spent with people who bring me to that place.
I’m pretty sure that all of my relationships will be affected before this is over but I will work hard to nurture them and continue to love all of those who mean so much to me.
