For a long while after we met we were not too enthusiastic about telling people how we met. This was in 2007 and online dating and dating services were not such a thing as they are now. We met through a dating service called Lifemates and it was not like online dating, in fact it was quite different. Once you submitted an application, there was an extensive interview and security checks before you became a client. In fact, there might have been two meetings before you signed on. The cost was hefty as well.
During my interview, the woman interviewing me asked me why I chose to come to them instead of finding someone myself. She told me that I was smart, attractive and “spunky” is the term I think she used. I explained to her that I had been married twice, had several relationships between the two marriages and several after. Turns out that all of the men I chose were ones that weren’t happy with one woman at a time. So when she asked why I was there, I told her that my track record wasn’t so great and obviously I needed some help in this department.
She explained something to me about their process that I found fascinating at the time and still do. She said that when people are choosing a partner or even someone they wish to date, they make their choices based on criteria that sits like this on a pyramid.
Their first consideration is based on appearance. Not necessarily whether or not the person is perfect looking, the most handsome or the most beautiful and that they have the best physique. It is whether or not the person’s appearance is appealing to them.
Their next question is what do they like to do, what are their interests? Are they ones that coincide with theirs? Are they ones they would like to do or know they would never want to do? These things influence your choice.
Lastly comes character considerations. What are their values? What is most important to them? What do they believe in?
At Lifemates, when matching people, they turn this pyramid upside down.
This means that they match you starting with values, beliefs and what’s really important to you. They then look at interests, hobbies, education, job, etc. And lastly, appearance.
This meant that the first time we met, we had no idea what the other looked like. In fact, when we set up our first date, I told him that I would be the one in the orange car (oh, I loved that car!). We met at a pub that was close to where we both lived and found that the conversation was great, the company was pleasant and we wanted to see each other again.
We dated for approximately two years before we married. Keep in mind that we were both sixty years old at the time so I believe that you approach marriage differently at this age. We both have grown children and grandchildren and while we don’t all live in the same house, it does help if they all get along. We had some bumps along the way but we all get along well now and some of the kids are closer than others. We very much both feel that all the grandchildren belong to both of us as most of them were young or have been born since we married.
I should note that during one of our conversations while dating we talked about the fact that we would never have met were it not for Lifemates. We then casually talked about the cost and I found out that I paid more than twice what he did. We have both assumed that at our age, there are more single women around than men. (actually, I did a little research and I believe the numbers were 8 women for every one man at this age). When I told him how much I paid he said, “oh, I’m not so sure I can live up to that”.
I want to tell you about two incidents that will make me love this man forever. I’m sure there are more but these two are most important to me. On our second date going to the movies, it was a cold, icy night. We started down the stairs outside at the movie theater and I was being super careful not to fall. He took my hand and said, “don’t worry, I won’t let you fall”. I knew instantly that that was true and has been true since that night. I can’t tell you how important that was to me, not that I want to be looked after, but to know someone has my back is awesome! The second time was six months ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. One day within the week of my diagnosis, I went upstairs, lay on the bed and just cried and cried. He came up, laid beside me, put his arm around me and just stayed there. It was wonderfully comforting and I didn’t feel so alone and scared. I am forever grateful.
Even through the tough times, we make each other laugh a lot. I have found that so important, that it makes the day better, makes life better, makes you feel better. We also spend a lot of time making out – I don’t necessarily mean sex. For those of you younger, it doesn’t always need to lead to sex, just to knowing how much someone loves, admires and wants you. It does mean that we spend a lot of time flirting and letting the other know how much we want them. This has been true throughout this whole cancer experience thus far.
It’s a pretty good way to live.
