I realize that this picture means something only to me so let me explain. Last week was my second meeting with the surgeon and I could barely breathe in the days before the appointment. This was the meeting when we received all results from all the tests I’ve been having.
These tests were:
- to find out if there was any other cancer in my body
- to see if my heart and my body were strong enough for chemo
- to find out what’s next.
In the two weeks before this appointment, I developed some kind of new infection, condition, something, that affected my bladder. Naturally, my mind went immediately to, “I have another cancer”. After several doctor’s visits and a couple of trips to the emergency room, I was sitting with the emergency doctor for more test results. To receive the results, I was directed to the main hallway with much traffic going by – doctors, nurses, patients, families, housekeeping staff. I decided, because I seem to have to jump to all my own conclusions, that I was wrong, it wasn’t cancer or he would have found a more private space. The doctor arrived and said, “I’m sorry to tell you this but we have found a mass on your bladder”. I asked if it was cancer and he replied that he didn’t know, could be. I was then given a note that a urologist would call me for more tests. And then he was gone. After ten days of waiting for a call and trying to contact the urologist, I called my oncologist for direction. Her office told me that all would be known at this upcoming appointment with my test results.
There were nine days left until that appointment and I’m pretty sure I didn’t take one deep breath in that time. On the day of my appointment, I was pretty much a mess. While waiting for the surgeon, my oncologist popped in the office to “crash our party” in her words. She told me that there was no cancer found in any tests or scans. Whew! I know how foolish this sounds, but my head said, “I’ve only got breast cancer”. I am not minimizing what is happening, it’s just that this news made things a little better.
The surgeon and oncologist explained that it could have been an air bubble or something in my ultrasound results but I do not have bladder cancer. Nonetheless, we have to find out what’s going on. My primary concern had been that this will affect the timing for going forward in my cancer treatment and the doctors agree that it is indeed their main concern as well. It was decided that while we try to determine my bladder problem and I start on cancer fighting pills until the problem is resolved and then re-evaluate. It is not the strategy we wanted but it is a start. Unlike chemotherapy that kills cancer (and other) cells, this drug will starve the cancer. The estrogen, it is feeding on will be cut off and we are virtually starving the cancer so it will shrink.
This brings me to the picture.
Ever since my initial diagnosis, I have pictured the cancer as some black ‘something’ in my body. On my darkest days, I pictured it in many different spots in my body. I had this image in my mind like an internal photograph and it was littered with black spots everywhere. My first pictures were of my breast but then the pictures put it in so many different spots, I had myself convinced that I was filled with cancer. Even though I have spent years learning how to train my mind to go to the positive scenarios, see and believe the best, move forward with confidence and optimism, I could not seem to do it now. What a mess!
Now, I have started the medication and the side effects are not fun but I was aware from the beginning that this was going to be difficult. I don’t know if I consciously changed the picture, but I now have new ones.
You see, I picture the cancer like a big black pac man, gobbling up estrogen and growing. So now, I have a blocked gate between the cancer and the estrogen so it can’t get to what it wants. So what you are seeing is the picture that my granddaughter created to visualize the cancer being eaten up. It may sound childish and maybe even foolish to others, but it’s working for now.
Now, on to a new chapter ………….
