My whole adult life people have told me that I am fearless and I never thought a lot about it. I know that I was fortunate enough to be handed many opportunities and I grabbed them all. I took on jobs that I didn’t really think I could do, but learned to do anyway, I tried new things, and I just thought, “what’s the worst that could happen?” and did it anyway. On my fifty-fifth birthday, I decided that on each and every birthday from that day forward I would make myself a promise to do one thing that year that would scare the hell out of me. Since then, to celebrate my birthdays, I have ……………
- entered and completed nine mini triathlons
- got a tattoo
- had my belly button pierced
- done the polar bear dip (two years in a row)
- changed my name back to my maiden name (I know, not as physically scary but it was liberating for me).
- written a book. Okay, I haven’t published it yet but it’s written
- married again at sixty years old – best decision ever!
Well, cancer has changed that. I find myself saying day after day, “I’m afraid of…” “I’m scared of…”
I’m afraid of dying, I’m afraid of the pain, I’m afraid of the unknown, I’m afraid of what the doctor is going to say every time I see a new doctor. I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid. It’s a pain in the ass and I hate it! At first I told myself that I was just scared because I didn’t know what the diagnosis was but then I found out that every doctor’s visit I was going to learn that there is always the possibility that the next test will tell you something new so you’re never going to know completely what’s happening.
But that’s not the worst of it. I’ve now become afraid of so many things. It has spilled over into my day-to-day life. I was out with my husband, I don’t know, shopping or something and I looked around and he had wandered off somewhere. It happens often, I have long referred to him as a “meanderthal” in the grocery store. This time, however, I stood there looking for him and all of a sudden I was feeling scared standing there by myself. I couldn’t decide what to do next and was frantic, looking for him. Now, I must explain, I have travelled on my own many times over the years, been in strange cities, new countries, strange markets, roads, and always just coped and handled it. Now, all of a sudden, I didn’t know what to know in my local grocery store. I also find myself antsy until my children and grandchildren arrive home after being out.
I’m afraid of many things that are just ridiculous.
I worked hard to figure out how to give my head a shake and find my courage again. So here is what I am doing FOR TODAY at least. And maybe tomorrow, and the day after that until it works or I find something else.
I’m not going to die today! So what am I going to do with today that will make it not a wasted day?
I’m not sure if that sounds like a solution to anyone else but it is one for me today. And that’s what I’m going to do TODAY.
