I remember clearly the morning after my Dad died. I had received a call the evening before on March 14, 1997 telling me to come to the hospital and to hurry. I did not know that he was already gone by the time I got there. I spent the night with my Mom and was driving the one hour drive back home the next morning by myself. I was driving and trying to see through my tears, knowing that’s not healthy or even the safest thing to do but I kept thinking, “I just need to get home, get a few things and get back to my Mom”. The radio was on in my car and there was a happy song playing. It was about eight in the morning, the sun was shining and the song continued to play. I remember thinking, how can they play this happy music, doesn’t anybody care that my Dad just died? It seemed wrong that it shouldn’t be so, that everybody should be feeling as I was.
Well, that’s how I have been feeling for the past six days, and I must say it feels like I mean the last six weeks, not days. I feel like the world shouldn’t be going on as normal because my world is not normal. I can’t seem to find a way to think about anything else.
It’s important that I explain that what I do, indeed what I have done for the past ten years, is help people going through crisis. In my training, I have used all the wonderful techniques I know on myself as well. I have dealt with many things using all my counselling skills, my energy work techniques, self-hypnosis and many effective breathing techniques. They have all been most helpful in many situations for me and I have been grateful that I have this knowledge. I have also shared them with so many others and helped them through crisis, family and parenting issues and medical issues such as I am going through at the present.
Why then am I paralyzed with fear and imagining every possible worst case scenario? Why can’t I make it work for me now? I was thinking yesterday of people that I have heard say they just worked on themselves until they came to a place of calm. I decided today that either they were lying like crazy or it’s just me.
I know that I have always said in every situation in my life that I am better knowing where I stand and what’s happening in order to deal with whatever is going on. Well, on one hand, I am just about hysterical that I have to wait for the doctors to make things happen and so I can know anything and on the other hand, I don’t want to know because I have made it so terrible in my own mind.
I must add that my family and friends are being kind, compassionate and want to help. I’m pretty sure that I am not making it easy.………but as I always say, “we are all just doing the best that we can”.
