Today I am going to pick up and deliver my scans and deliver them to the Breast Cancer Assessment Centre. I am happy to have something to do because it does make me feeling on some level like I am dealing with this. Jen, my daughter offered to pick me up and we would go together. When I got to the hospital to deliver the CD, I got out of the car to go into the clinic and for a moment I thought that my legs were going to give out on me. This was not any physical problem – this was nerves. I know now that everything about this is going to bring about new feelings, new reactions and will require new strength and awareness.
Here’s what I have already learned about this whole experience so far. From the moment I received the news, it owned me. It took over my mind, my emotions, my mood, my attitude and my time.
As I mentioned earlier, my training is about learning to deal with stress, taking care of oneself in times of crisis and knowing what to do to bring calm and peace to the situation. I have spent many years helping hundreds of people do just that. I decided that I had better practice what I preach and began using some of the techniques and knowledge that I have. For sure, I can feel calmer and feel a little more peace (and I have been doing that) but here’s the thing – it’s the WAITING!
It’s all about the waiting. Waiting just gives me more time to imagine every possible scenario that could possibly be. It allows me time to go over all the what if’s, the could be’s, the maybe’s and so on and so on.
No matter what I am doing, it’s in my head and the same thoughts roll around and around non-stop.
So not only am I spending all my time with the word cancer front and centre of my mind and my thoughts, every single tiny ache, pain or twinge is questioned. Let me tell you, when you are this age, that is pretty much all the time. Each time I feel a little pull in my back or legs, in the back of my mind, a little voice says, “is this part of the cancer?” even though it’s been a regular thing for years. I had heartburn this afternoon and instead of reviewing what I had eaten and considering the stress that I am living under, I wondered, “is this new? Should I be worrying about this?”. I tell myself to give my head a shake but on it goes.
I have spoken to many people and to groups about worry for many years. I well know that it is a complete waste of time and accomplishes nothing. Dale Carnegie once said, “waiting is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere”. I know all this but if I’m thinking about it and worrying, it’s like I’m doing something. Really?
I’m a doer and a take charge kind of person. I always feel that if I know what’s happening, I will know how to deal next. I’m going to have to learn some patience and sharing this experience is certainly helping so thanks for listening.
